Saturday, April 14, 2012

what's your word?

OK, I'm going to get deep and, you might think, a bit morbid, but I'm just getting real with ya!

Two years ago I lost a Mommom, last fall I lost a Grandmother. While losing a loved one is always a roller coaster of emotions and post today is about what has stayed with me since their passing.

When my Mommom passed it was the first experience with death I had encountered in my young, lovely, not too sheltered life. I was very fortunate to have all my parents and grandparents alive and well for my childhood. The range of emotions was what I believe to be typical of a young adult losing a grandparent. When my Grandmother passed this fall I was met with a different form of a heavy heart. I took what I had already known of loss and pointed it towards myself, my own life. Let me explain...

As friends and loved ones remembered my Grandmother there was one word that was always repeated...Classy. This word was used to describe my Mother's Mother time and time again. "Such a classy lady" was voiced at the memorial, typed on the websites and hand written in cards. Classy, Lady. That was my Grandmother.

Obviously you could write a book on how lovely both of my grandmothers were. But to be so easily summed up in one word...I found that remarkable. A long life lived so beautifully that she made having "class" look effortless.

In the months that followed I put that word on my heart. I even Googled it and read articles on how I, too, could be classy. Sad I know. Something my Grandmother would never have had to do. I secretly wore one of her rings I was given as a, sort of, channel of her essence. I thought I should have to be like her to own something so beautiful. (after all, I didn't deserve it, I wasn't classy)

My inner turmoil of what MY word would be haunted me. How would people remember me? (have I gone too morbid on you?) I wanted my word to be as elegant as hers. I even set my New Years Resolution to "be more of a Lady". uh...double sad.  As I shared my thoughts with my friends, conversations followed... I realized something...If you have to Google how to be classy or're not it! oops. and that's OK!

I might not be "classy" and I might not be a "lady".... But I am REAL!

So there you go ladies...this is who I am...I am real. I am struggling through various areas of my life and soaring in others (and flat out tanked at some). But I am a real mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend, child of God. I make mistakes and I move on. I won't always tell you how it is....I do spare feelings after all. But I won't ever tell you how it isn't. I won't ever tell you I'm happy when I'm not. I won't ever tell you this life of mine is perfect or easy. Nope, you won't get the fake Facebook status from me.

I will always try to find beauty, always strive for better and always use Love as my motive. But as we get to know each other...just know this...what I have to say to you is the honest to goodness realness of a young, stressed, in-over-my-head-and-grateful-for-it heart!

So there you go...

Namaste ;)

now, what's your word?...

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